HOWTO: Extend Grace During Conflict
Before George and I were ever married, I read countless of blogs about fighting fair. Here's something you need to know about me: I'm a little (or a lot) unreasonable at times, I'm very stubborn, I'm very Alpha (yes, with a capital A) and I'm just a hard person to deal with especially when I'm hurt (and I don't ever know how to get my feelings across). Three days after saying "I Do", guess what happened!
We had a fight. Yup, you read that right. A FIGHT. I know, it didn't take long at all. At first, it was a misunderstanding, then it turned into a who-can-yell-the-loudest-wins kind of fight. It went on for over an hour which was stupidly unreasonable.
I was being unreasonable. He was being unreasonable. We both wanted to be winners.
During that hour+, we both attempted to approach each other (at different times) after cool down. I approached him nicely (boring, monotone voice) about what we needed to do, asking questions pertaining about the very reason we had a misunderstanding in the first place, but he wasn't having it.
So naturally, I got pissed.
Then a little bit afterwards, he approached me with his thoughts and this time, I wasn't having it.
You guessed it, he got pissed.
I swear, we do stupid things when we are angry. We are so unreasonable and so selfish and there is no going anywhere. What a waste of time to be angry.
It wasn't until later, just after I left the apartment I realized that the way I was acting is not what wives are called by God to do for their husbands.
I should have extended grace to my husband during our argument instead of trying to make my point.
I should have hugged and kissed him immediately to show him that I do care about his feelings.
I should have asked him (a little bit after cool down) if he was ready to talk things out instead of just dropping information.
I should have loved him the way God loves me when I'm being a brat.
I should have, could have, would have... done all of that instead of what I did. For that, I would like to share with you some things I would personally do next time I'm having a disagreement with my husband.
- Genesis 2:24 (NLT), "Honor God with our marriage". Frankly, having a yelling argument is not honoring God in marriage. It's more like having a rap battle where spit gets all over the place and in this case, it's God's face. Personally, next time this happens, I would try my best (because it may not happen) to respect the "cool down" time my husband and I give each other. Then, approach one another more constructively and lovingly. I mean, there are times when we shy away from God and all He does is literally wait for us to come to Him... so why not use a similar approach?
- Ephesians 5:21-22 (NLT), "And further, submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. For wives, this means submit to your husbands as to the Lord". Being the Alpha female that I am, this one is probably one of the more challenging things to do as G's wife. I like being in charge, but being in a marriage team, I need to accept that my husband is often times more in charge than I am. I need to snap out of my "me" and ease now to "we". Then, there's trust. I need to and should trust that my husband is capable of leading. I need to trust my husband the way I trust in God. Believe, I need to believe that my husband's actions will benefit "us" in the long run. Love, I need to love on my husband and thank him always for all that he is doing.
I knew marriage is hard before I got married, but dang, day three?! For the record, this was our first "yelling" fight as a couple - EVER. Marriage does bring out a lot of the ugly in you, but there is just so much beauty in the midst of it all and at the end of the day, God has provided me a husband who cares, who loves, who gives his all.